Life 101: Elevator Etiquette

With all of the emphasis on reading, writing and arithmetic in our educational system it leaves little time for courses that could also be beneficial to our society.  They would fit under the broad heading of “Life 101”.  These would be a series of courses that teach all that stuff that can make everyday life run much smoother.  For example, how about a short course on “Elevator Etiquette”.  We can start the course by having everyone memorize ten simple rules. 

Rule #1: Pressing the up or down button multiple times does not make the elevator move any faster.  The corollary to this rule is that pressing the button harder (or punching/kicking it) also does not make the elevator move any faster.

Rule #2: While waiting for the elevator do not stand in front of the door.  You can’t get in until the current occupants of the elevator make room for you and they can’t do that unless you get your big butt out of the way and make room for them to exit.

Rule #3: Do not, repeat do not let children under the age of ten press the floor button.  It’s like eating potato chips; they will not be satisfied with just one.  They just can’t resist the urge to press every floor button.

Rule #4: The “close door” button: A) is broken and will never be repaired. B) was never hooked up and was only installed to make you feel like you are doing something by pressing it repeatedly. C) has a delay built into it and the doors will close when the time delay has elapsed. D) once worked but was disconnected because of too many complaints about people closing the doors too quickly. E) All of the above.  (Correct answer “E”)

Rule #5: Under no circumstances is anyone allowed to pass gas.  This is especially true for those who are about to disembark.  That’s just rude.

Rule #6: Unless you have a health problem or are moving things (furniture, packages, baby carriage, etc.) the rule for using the stairs is “one up, two down”.

Rule #7: The elderly, disabled, people carrying stuff (babies, packages, food) and those with nothing better to do move slower and must be allowed adequate time to board the elevator.  (Yea I know it seems to take forever but just remember, some day it may be you who needs that time.)

Rule #8: Regarding speaking on cell phones in public places, don’t say anything you wouldn’t want printed in tomorrow’s paper (or blog).  And BTW, “CAN YOU HEAR ME KNOW!”, speaking louder does not improve your cell phone reception.

Rule #9: As a general rule the personal body space  distance in social situations is about 18 inches (OK, OK it varies by culture but for most people in the US it’s still about 18 inches.).  The personal body space distance in intimate situations is less than 18 inches.  Just because we break from convention to allow more people to fit in the elevator doesn’t mean we’ve become more intimate.

Rule #10: Eighty-five percent of buildings with at least 13 floors do not have a named “13th floor“.  It’s considered unlucky or superstitious to have one.  That’s just the way it is so the next time you are on an elevator and some smart-ass gets on and asks you to press floor thirteen just tell him to press it himself if he is feeling lucky.  (BTW for all of you who live or work on the 14th floor in building that don’t have a “13th floor” it is really the 13th floor.  Sorry to ruin your day.)

Well that is it for today.  If you can think of any more add them to the list.  Who knows, someday we may have an “Elevator Etiquette” course manual.

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